Four Myths about the lack of sexual appetite

10 October 2013  - 
Four Myths about the lack of sexual appetite

Let’s talk about myths and the lack of sexual appetite in relationships. Because, you probably agree, in relationships sex is not the icing on the cake but the cake itself.

One of the most common problems in a couples’ sexual life is the difference in sexual appetite. This can be improved due to infinity of reasons, many of them psychological or interpersonal but it’s not necessarily a disorder until it affects the quality of life of a person and creates restlessness, or reveals itself as a problem in the life of a couple as one has desire and the other one doesn’t. The low sexual appetite could be the result of a couple’s problems and a cause of problems at the same time.

In most cases, it’s something relative. Many couples think they can compare their sexual rhythm to the one they had at the beginning of their relationship. Obviously, in couples who have been together for a long time this low appetite is not a problem. Others can experiment this absence of desire with one person but not with another, which is why we point out its relativity.


Myths about the lack of sexual appetite

Sex is the purest form of self expression, the most intimate way to show what one feels for the other and when it fails the entire relationship fails too. What people don’t know is that sex can take them to the depths of love and repair many of the problems in the relationship.

Many couples stop having sex or reduce significantly the amount and that’s not necessarily a problem. However, the problem lies in the fact that a member of the couple desires his wife and she doesn’t or, on the contrary, both need to pay attention to the incipient problem. Sex produces physical bonds that are unique, special and important. In relationships, sex is not the icing on the cake, it’s the cake itself.


Myth 1: the woman gets excited due to her hormones

Many people assume that if a woman wants to have sexual relations far in between it’s because there is something weird with her libido and needs medical treatment. One of the great mistakes in all of this matter is to think that low sexual appetite in a woman is due to a hormonal problem.

The libido is a lot more complex than that and it overlaps with all the spheres of human experience including the health of the arteries, mental health, nutrition, physical self image, the level of stress and the quality in the relationship.

The use of testosterone patches to liven desire is not going to work because it’s a psychological problem. Low sexual appetite in women very rarely has a hormonal cause. In most cases it’s about how she feels about herself, with her partner and in the relationship. So, when a woman does not feel desire for her partner, it’s because something is going on and it needs to be solved immediately.


Myth 2: emotional intimacy guarantees a good sexual life.

We have been brainwashed with the idea that emotional intimacy is key to a good sexual life. This is a mistake because feeling that emotional intimacy means that we see our partner as a friend and, of course, maybe seeing our partner as such decreases our desire.

The advice we give is to leave so much friendship aside and do something fun, play and give a sexy touch to your relationship. For many people, the fact of feeling desired is a lot more exciting than feeling emotionally bonded. To end with this myth, psychologists advice us to do things that make us feel young, the ones we have fun with.

Feeling desired is the best way to start feeling desire.


Myth 3: if your partner wants sex but you don’t, you can express your love in other ways.

The ruling tendency proposes that one can choose whether to have sexual relations in the relationship or not. It the case the answer is negative, we suppose the one feeling horny must bear it and continue being faithful to their partner but psychologists say that’s unfair, impossible and in most cases leads to infidelities.

When people marry, many commitments are acquired with the intention of maintaining and meeting them throughout life, such as, having children, where to live, who will work etc. But in most cases, the couple don’t talk about what their sexual life will be like, how many times a week they will maintain intimate relationships or the quality they will have.

It’s something couples that are going to commit to each other should talk about because sex is something between two people and what we have in our head will not coincide with what our partner has in his head throughout life. Thinking this way is a short sight.

People can show their love in very different ways, for some touch is important, for others the intimate conversation and yet for others the time they spend together. If you are married to a person that values touch, it doesn’t matter if you give them expensive gifts or take them on vacation or tell them “I love you” all day long because, for her, it won’t mean love.

Couples that work because it’s because they have guessed which is the language of love of their partner and nail it satisfying their needs, precisely the ones their partner likes and not others. But this can only be acquired talking about the subject in question and paying attention to what our partner tells us.


Myth 4: For couples it’s more important to solve emotional problems rather than sexual ones.

When a couple has emotional problems like rage, resentment of lack of communication, added to a poor sexual life, the majority of people think that first they must deal with solving the emotional and then, another day, the sexual. Big mistake as sex is the window that gives way to everything else in teh relationship.

We don’t mean that one always has to start with the sexual side but rather that if we start resolving the emotional and we don’t see any clearer, we can move onto resolving the sexual and seeing what happens. Touch is a way of getting closer to the other, not only physically but also emotionally, so the rest can be resolved from there.

10 October 2013  - 

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